10 YEARS!

This post is a little late!  On September 7, 2012, Shane and I celebrated our ten year anniversary.  I have to say that this feels amazing.  We have learned so much over the last ten years.  People talk about marriage like it is an end result, like you will get married and then live happily ever after.  Not a lot of people talk about marriage as being a continuous process with ups and downs.  I recently read a talk by a general authority about the marriage myths.  It said there are many who get married in the temple and they feel like because of that they will have no problems.  Wow, what an awakening they will have.  Marriage can be greatest adventure we have and is so incredibly important.  But, too many of us at times forget to keep the eternal perspective and get stuck in the daily, worldly stuff that finds its way into each of our lives. I would say that Shane and I have learned more in the last few months about being married than we learned the rest of the ten years of our marriage.  I just wanted to share some of them to maybe help others, but also because I am excited about it.  I think sometimes people feel like sharing their marital struggles are voodoo.  I agree that we shouldn't talk badly about our spouse, but I also think sharing our struggles and how we have overcome things can help others.  So here is the list.

1. Paint our own picture.  Don't let others and other things determine how your marriage looks.  Decide together what your marriage will look like and work toward that together.  Understand that if your painting gets a smudge or you paint a certain color and you later don't like it, you can change it together.  Paint over that smudge, change that color.  Do it together.

2. Don't compare.  Don't compare your spouse or yourself to anyone else.  This has been essential where we are in a second marriage, but it stands true to all marriages.  Don't compare your spouse to how your parents did it, your siblings, old flames, the neighbors, no one.  Your spouse is your spouse and you chose them for a reason.

3. Remember who you're talking to.  When you see your spouse say, This is "____", my wife/husband and she/he loves me.  You come home frustrated at your boss, look at your spouse and say this in your head and any frustration with your boss will stay at your boss, not be transferred to your spouse.  This is VERY important.

4. No competition.  Don't compete in marriage.  Let him have his things he is great at and you have yours.  This works better.

5. Small Steps.  Marriage takes small steps of improvement every day.  Do little things everyday to improve and be better.  The small things will help to prepare you for the big things that happen.

6. Keep the fire alive.  Have a weekly date night, not a double date, a single date.  This could be a walk around the block or a night out, but one-on-one time with your spouse is essential.  Whatever you did to get your spouse, do 3x as much after you are married.  Make your spouse feel important.  Don't talk down to them, tell them how wonderful you are.  Compliment them.  Support them.  Compliment their looks and everything you love about them.  The more positive things you talk about the more positive you will find and there will be less negative.  Remember that men and women feel loved in different ways and you should ASK your spouse how they feel loved and express it in their language of love, not yours.  Surprises are great and provide change and happiness to both!  If you are bored, you are a boring person.  If you are bored, find something to make yourself not bored.  It isn't your spouses responsibility to entertain you.

7. Attend the Temple.  Keep going to the temple.  Try to go at least once a month, but more is always a help.  We have chosen to rotate between sealings and endowments.  Remembering some of the promises from when we were married help.

8. Don't copy what you learned as a child...unless it was a good example.  So often we do things because we are imitating what we saw our parents did.  Not everyone is perfect.  Think about the relationship you saw growing up.  It is ok to emulate the good things, but the things that weren't so great in your parent's relationship are ok to leave out of your relationship.  There are so many things that we both were doing that we didn't realize we were imitating from our parents.  Some good, some not so good.  We are working to emulate the good and leave out the bad.

9. Communicate.  Men can be more non-verbal than women.  This is common, but this needs to be compromised on.  Women need to listen more.  Speak with your spouse.  This means one speaks and the other listens.  Then the listener should let the speaker know what they heard and ask it that is correct.  Then, the speaker should ask the listener if they need to talk about anything and if they do, reverse roles.  Everyone should have a chance to speak and to be listened to.  Everyone should also speak and not bottle up their feelings.  Festered feeling don't help anyone.

10. Intentions.  Always remember that your spouse is speaking to you with good intentions.  They are not trying to hurt you.  If you talk about things and a concern is brought up, it will be healthier and much more productive when both spouses know the concerns are brought with good intentions and not with the intent to hurt.

11. Reconnect each day.  Everyday when your husband goes to work or you both go to work, you lead separate lives.  It is important to come back together.  When you see each other again, you need to reconnect physically.  This has made a big difference coming back to this simple truth.

These are just a few of the things we have learned help.  I hope some will help you in your marriages as well as your other relationships.